I had Oliver's full birth story up here for awhile. It was an incredible day but in the end, I felt like it was a little intense for my public blog. So I took it down and put the *G-ish rated version* here.
A serious turning point for me in my mental recovery came from reading an acquaintance's blog (like she was my college roommate's friend and I probably only talked to her six times in my life and that was years ago) about her struggle with postpartum depression. I realized I was not alone and her words explained perfectly what I was feeling. It was like an enormous 100-pound backpack I didn't even know I was carrying was lifted off my back. So I want to at least put a small amount of what was in that blog entry on here so that, if I can, I can help some mama who is feeling these awful things.
I want to make sure that anyone who reads Ollie's birth story or this post who is feeling the immense guilt from lack of attachment that often comes from a traumatic birth, knows that I KNOW what that is like so PLEASE comment here or email me (see my "About Us" tab up top)! I want you to talk to me. You are not the only person in the world feeling these things; it is so, so common. I had an unplanned C-section that went rather traumatically for me, and I had a very hard time feeling emotionally connected to Oliver from the first time I got to hold him. I was separated from him for hours after waking up from the procedure (he was born not breathing and spent the evening in the NICU). In the weeks following our discharge from the hospital I had bouts of anger and blame, I felt like he wasn't my baby and I didn't know him, sometimes I wanted him to just be taken far away by anyone who would, I felt overwhelming anxiety and edginess whenever I saw or was with him, I totally shut down and lost my appetite when evening and the isolating night feedings were approaching, and I felt *this* close to crying almost all the time. I felt so much guilt, embarrassment, and loneliness knowing that this helpless baby had come to a mother who didn't even like him or feel like she wanted to. If any of this sounds like what you're feeling, seriously - talk and get help.
For me, it got better with time. Probably three or four months. Maybe counseling would have sped the process up, but I didn't seek that help. I didn't talk to anyone. Not even family or my husband because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I absolutely should have reached out! I now feel SO strongly about reaching out and connecting regarding this thing that for some reason we want to hide away and not talk openly about. PLEASE TALK TO ME EVEN IF YOURE A STRANGER. I LOVE YOU AND WE WILL BE BFFS. I don't want anyone to feel alone while feeling the way I felt.
Flash forward to now, and seriously I cannot even explain how much I love my Oliver and love the relationship we have. I need him and love him and he needs and loves me. He is my BEST little friend in the WORLD. IT IS AMAZING and fulfilling and wonderful. I look forward to my next child, and I know so much more now about how to have a voice in my birth experience. There is hope!!
#endrant
Oliver's birth story!
Oh and there are our weekly video entries as well! It's fun to watch these and remember. :)
First week of November: https://youtu.be/c4kgYvUCUak
Second: https://youtu.be/CbqI9A3FMAs
Week of my due date: https://youtu.be/hUrRrZPgM8o
The week Ollie was born! https://youtu.be/tuXSqWJuJkg
The hospital and coming home: https://youtu.be/mugakzHFkWc
In the last few weeks before Ollie's due date, I had yet to feel any sort of Braxton-Hicks contractions or other signs of pending labor. I kind of just had a feeling and "knew" my baby would be late, and pretty much everyone and their mother had told me that "your first is usually late," but still I had so much hope that we'd have a baby by my due date of November 19th! As planned I stopped work the first week of November (cried all the way home. One of the suckiest choices I've ever had to make). My mom flew in a week before my due date and we kept as busy as possible. It was so great to have her here! We turned our junk-filled guest room into the nursery - a task I had been totally avoiding and also dreading with my limited mobility and ginormous tummy - made Baby Gray's blanket, shopped for his coming-home outfit, hit IKEA multiple times for the crib and other nursery decor, and went for loooots of walks.
The rest of my family drove down here a couple days before my due date, if I remember right. It was this weird waiting game of excitement of having my family here and a little bit of a dreaded slog through each day that passed with no baby. Luckily I never really got to the point where I was just plain miserable, but sleep was getting a little tougher (my hips hated me!), I was getting a little more uncomfortable, and basically I was suuure ready. In the morning on Nov 17, two days before my due date, I had one of my last OB appointments and decided to let them check me (I had been avoiding it before because I didn't want to add to my anxiety until I was closer to my due date). I was at 1cm, 90% effaced, so that was somethin! However my doctor said that unfortunately, that could mean anything. It could mean baby that night or baby in a week. He offered to strip the membranes but my plan was not to mess with anything until we had to, so I said no, especially since the chance of success was really just 50/50. He suggested setting an induction date, so we decided on the morning of Saturday, Nov 26th.
We talked about the process of induction and how the chances for C-section were definitely there and something to be aware of, about 20%, because of arrested labor or failure to progress. I was really scared about that, mostly because I had this random weird dread that that was going to happen to me, and I really just didn't want a C-section. My birth plan wasn't super specific, but I knew I wanted to labor until I felt I wanted an epidural, have just Ryan in the room with me when it was time to push, and use delayed cord clamping. I definitely didn't want to have a major and expensive abdominal surgery, longer hospital stay, more difficult recovery, and everything else that came with a C-section. I left the doctor's office pretty down. I just really wanted this baby to come on his own.
My due date, November 19th, came and it was just a normal day. We went to the gym and hung out with my fam. No signs of anything except for the last few days I had kind of felt like I was seeing some differences in discharge (TMI?), so I had secret hope.
On Nov 22nd, I met with a different OB at the office since mine had to deliver a baby that day. He checked me at 2cm, 90% effaced. Yay for a little progress. He was super brusque and said with the way I was looking he could definitely "start me" that very afternoon if I wanted, and I was like wuhhh? He explained he meant for induction! 😳 He could get us checked into the hospital, hooked up and pitocin started, right that day if we wanted. Umm woah?! Slow down there. I was only three days past my due date. I said I would think about it but that my gut feeling was I really wanted to wait until the 26th, my induction date. He said that was fine and totally understandable. Off-hand I mentioned to him that my stomach had started to get almost more itchy than I could handle just in the past five or six days. I knew that sudden increased itchiness could be a sign of cholestasis of pregnancy, though it usually wasn't on the belly. He said it wouldn't hurt to do a non-stress test, just to be sure, so Ryan and I went into a side room to get me strapped up and tested.
At first baby Gray wasn't moving a ton so the nurse pulled out this little gun-looking thing and said, "Let's wake him up!" She pressed it to my tummy and it made a loud vibrating sound, but apparently to babies in utero it sounds like a fog horn. Our little guy basically tried to jump straight up into the air the second she did it - it was amazing! 😂 After that of course he was all sorts of active and after a half-hour of monitoring the nurse said his results looked fine.
My brother's birthday came on the 23rd! We were wondering if maybe our baby would share a birthday with Merritt, but spoiler alert, it didn't happen. We went out to dinner at PF Chang's and oh those lettuce wraps are just good good good for the soul. I remember as we got up to leave after dinner, I literally got stuck coming around the corner of the table and we all died laughing. I remember thinking how I was not going to miss that belly of mine!
On Thanksgiving we were with Ryan's family and it was a wonderful day! Pretty low-key with just a handful of us at Jen & Tyler's place. There was definitely a faint twinge of sadness because I had kind of hoped to have had a baby by then, but all along I had been mentally preparing for him being late, so - it was what it was! I remember my sister in law and niece gave us this adorable swaddle with dark blue and gold planets & stars on it. It's still one of my favorites. It's so pretty! I also remember that on this day the hospital called me and asked if I wanted to move up my induction date to that very next morning. Ahh! I told them I would think about it and call them back. Ryan and I talked. He was of course letting it be up to me, but he was all for getting things started as soon as possible. I ultimately decided nope. I wanted to give baby Gray as much time as needed. So I called them back and told them. They gave me some details about the induction for Saturday, like that it would be first thing in the morning (like 6am!) and what to do to prepare. Ryan and I were not stoked about a 6am start time, I remember. Haha!
Friday was it. Our last full day before we had a baby! I don't remember what we did during the day. I think Ryan and I just wanted it to ourselves at home so my family did some things on their own until we met up for a movie that evening. The labor and delivery staff at our hospital called with final details for my induction and we were super relieved that my induction appointment wouldn't be until 9am. Yay for more sleep! 🙌 That night we met up with my family and saw Fantastic Beasts at the movie theater in the Riverwoods. Afterwards, we were talking about what we wanted to do, and I decided I really just wanted to go on a date with Ryan, just him and I. I felt bad ditching my family but I felt strongly about it since this was our last night as just us two. So Ryan and I decided to go to Art City Trolley, one of our favorite restaurants. We got in the car to head that way and Ryan asked me how I felt. I responded... by breaking. down. crying. 😂 Hahaha. Basically I was terrified of two things 1) Just having a baby in general, and 2) that things were going to change between Ryan and I. I guess I was mourning the end of this time that was just him and I, where we could go on dates on a whim, sleep in together, have total privacy in our apartment, go on road trips and vacations without much thought... I had a good cry/talk with Ryan and I felt a little bit better. We eventually started driving. Art City was delicious as always and my Hawaiian burger made me happy. Spending that time with Ryan will always be a happy memory for me.
When we got home we hung out with my family at our place. I don't remember exactly what we did other than (try to) relax and chat and probably prep bags for the hospital. We went to bed around ten to give ourselves plenty of sleep for the next day.
I woke up in the dark to something that felt like painful period cramps that lasted for about ten seconds. I'm sure my face looked hilarious. My eyes were probably huge as I just laid there on my side facing the window and realized that had to have been a contraction. I hadn't felt anything like that during my pregnancy yet! It was the real deal! Before I knew it two more hit, and then, a rush of water! Uhh... I had read so many different explanations of what having your water break feels like, and it was unmistakable. Basically... I felt like I had wet mis pantalones. A lot! I probably hadn't moved that fast in at least a matter of months. I shot out of bed, and grabbed my phone to record what time it had happened. 5:20AM. Then I turned on the bedside lamp, stared at the sheets and my pants for a few seconds probably looking like a moron, and climbed over to shake Ryan. "Ryan! I think my water just broke!" He shot up onto his elbows and squinted at me. "What?! Really??!" I don't remember what I said to him but it was probably just idiotic, open-mouthed gesturing to the wet spot on the bed where my butt used to be. I was just so resigned to the fact I was going to be induced that morning, but Baby Gray was on his own schedule! I was so happy! I went into the bathroom to clean up and called my mom on speaker phone (my family was staying at my mom's cousin's house in Orem). She squealed when I told her. It was happening!! As soon as I got off the phone with my mom I called the labor & delivery ward at the hospital and let them know the situation. They told me to pack up and head there as soon as we could. There in the bathroom I downloaded an app to start tracking my contractions. And really all I could think about at that second was Michael Scott:
via GIPHY
My "contraptions" were about three minutes apart, each lasting around 25 seconds. It was go time! When I came out of the bathroom Ryan had already called his parents, who lived about 30 minutes away, and was already dressed and almost finished packing. While he ran out to warm up the car, I threw my toiletries into my hospital bag and grabbed last-minute things, while tracking my contractions. They were painful enough that I preferred to stop what I was doing until they passed, but I wasn't quite to the point where I needed to focus on breathing through them or anything. After a few minutes they did get to that point though, with all the moving around! I remember one particularly uncomfortable one made me stop and hang on the corner of the bed while Ryan grabbed my stuff. Then I waddled out to the car with Ryan and we were off to Mountain Point Medical Center in Lehi.
During the drive the contractions actually slowed down to almost six minutes apart. We got to the hospital at 6:15am, and stopped at the ER desk (that was the only part of the main floor that was open) to let them know my water had broken. Since we had pre-registered, they checked me right in and called labor & delivery to let them know we were on our way up. They assigned us to a room, but we asked if we could get changed to room #237, which from our hospital tour a few weeks prior we knew had the best view of the mountains. 🙌 😉 Aw yeah you better believe I was gonna have that baby with a kick-butt view of the mountains out my window.
Then up the elevator we went and over to L&D. The nursing staff there is just THE BEST. It's fun to think back to the first time we walked in there and met them and how they would soon all become our friends! We were shown to our room and I got changed into the super attractive hospital gown they gave me. Ryan helped me get all settled on the bed (it was so surreal as I thought to myself "I am going to have a baby in this bed!!!") and I remember it was around 6:30am. The contractions were still more spaced out at this point, about five or six minutes apart. My first nurse Kilee came in and she was so wonderful! She was kind and cheerful and that helped me feel calm. She was a youngish mom with two kids herself. Ryan sat next to the bed while Kilee hooked me up to the monitors that would track Baby Gray's heartbeat as well as my blood oxygen and contractions. That's also when I got the IV in my hand which was theeee woooorst. Oh man I get the willies thinking about it. I have a serious needle phobia. And not only was it gross to have one right there, visible almost all the time, sticking out of my left hand, but it HURT. Both going in and afterwards. It took about half a day for me to just get used to the discomfort of it. Holy mama that was the most pain I had had yet. ;) And then we realized too late that the nurse had just assumed I was right handed and had forgotten to ask, so signing paperwork and doing other things was super awkward for me as lefty with a needle and tubes sticking out of my hand. Ha! Ugh I hated that dang IV and we were not friends from the very start!
Then was the moment we were looking forward to the most - seeing how far along I was! Kilee checked me at 6:57am and I was dilated to 3cm. I was definitely hoping for a little more than that, considering my contraction frequency and the fact that my water had broken, but it was all good. She made sure I was comfortable and said she'd be back in an hour to check me again. Ryan and I were left alone. Looking back now I wish I had asked if I could have walked around - I feel like that would have helped everything! I remember sitting together and listening to Baby Gray's heartbeat thump away, getting faster and louder and then subsiding again as contractions came and went. It made us giggle. There was a baby in there who we would be meeting so soon! Today! After almost a year of waiting. It was such a special feeling. Around then we were treated to a pretty dang amazing sunrise and it seemed very fitting for the day's events. :)
My contractions were definitely getting more uncomfortable and I started needing/wanting Ryan to come to my side and squeeze my leg through each one. The counter-pressure of his squeeze helped me a lot. I wasn't to the point that I wanted an epidural yet. They were painful but I could talk through them.
At 8am my nurse came back in and checked me at 3+cm. Only a little bit of progress. That was disappointing, but it was still early on! We decided to wait a few more hours to see if I could progress more on my own.
Earlier on I had turned off my phone so that it wouldn't bother me if I was trying to rest or something, so Ryan was keeping family and friends posted on my progress. Side note - as I was collecting all the information from his texts in preparation to write this, I got to see some of the conversations he was having throughout the day that Ollie was born. It was so sweet to see how concerned and invested people were in us and Baby Gray. It made me so humbled and thankful. Our friends were constantly checking in throughout the day and telling Ryan to give me their encouragement and love.
For most of the day my parents were in the waiting room watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off (ha) and I think Ryan's parents at this point in the morning were at home but leaving soon. My parents came in to see us for the first time around 7:45am. Beforehand I had decided that I wanted to have my parents nearby and checking in when it was a good time, but have it be just Ryan and I when it was time to push. It was so wonderful to see my mom and dad! We gave them a blow-by-blow of the morning's events so far, while I sipped on the tiger's blood slurpees Ryan kept on constant refill for me. The contractions had steadied to about every 5 minutes and by 10am they were really getting painful. I remember the peaks of some of them were off the top of the charts on the computer monitors next to my bed.
Noon rolled around and it was time to check my progress. I was so disappointed to find out that I was still at a 3+, and baby Gray was not dropping at all. Barely any progress for five hours. That's when it was time to start making decisions. Luckily around then was the first time I got to see my OB that day (a welcome face! It was great to see him), and he was able to give his advice. Basically, it was time to start the pitocin to help me progress, which also meant I had to begin an epidural. I was so dang nervous but I understood it needed to happen.
The anesthesiologist was called and he arrived pretty soon after. (He was this awkward guy in his mid-thirties and I feel bad but Ryan and I giggled about him afterwards. I can't even remember what he did that was so funny to us! But... yeah. We are mean.) I sat on the edge of the bed while Mr Epidural did his stuff. According to Ryan the needle was huge 😳 but I was VERY careful to make sure I DID NOT see it or any of his equipment. Ew just writing this is making me icky. The only thing that hurt was the pinch, which I was lucky enough to experience twice! Yay! 😩 The anesthesiologist felt that the first positioning wasn't right and therefore had to re-do everything a second time. Didn't exactly do wonders for my confidence. But once everything was set - it. was. marvelous!!!! Oh my. No pain. And not just an absence of pain, but a total, full-body feeling of fabulous relaxation and sleepiness! I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, but I could still move my legs. It was very cool.
Then it was back to the waiting game. My mom came in again (as I was looking through my texts after the fact, I saw that I had texted her, "Hey mom, you can come in whenever you want. I just got my epidural and I feel soooooo good," hahaha. I don't remember sending it), and then Ryan's parents came by with food for him. I remember being so hungry and wishing I could have some of his sandwich. But I continued to down my slurpees. And I tried to nap a little, but it was tough with all the coming and going and excitement!
At 12:38pm my doctor checked me and I was at 5.5cm! Woo! Progress! And an hour later, even more! At 6+. However, Ollie hadn't budged at all downwards, and he was face-up (the opposite of what you want), but there was still time for that to change. All in all we were so stoked at the progress!
Once I was on the epidural the afternoon really became a blur. Haha. I think this is when Tyler & Jen (my brother-in-law & his wife) came to visit us, and they brought flowers. I will always remember that that meant so much to me! They were the prettiest tulips and I loved seeing them in our room. Thanks, guys.
At 2:30pm we got the best news. I was at 9cm! It was almost pushing time(!!!!!!!!!), if Oliver would just drop down more. He was stationed up so high, too high for me to start any sort of effective pushing, and he was still face-up. Definitely made me a little nervous, since this was making a C-section increasingly likely. I remember thinking "If only I didn't have this dang epidural I would walk all over this dang hospital and MAKE this baby drop." My OB came in and we talked about the possibility of C-section, but he knew I was determined to try everything we could first. So we waited. An hour later, I was at dilated a tiny bit more, to about 9.5cm, but still at the same high station. And the same at 4:30pm.
Man, it was getting reeeal discouraging here guys. The nurses helped me change positions - on my side, with and without "the peanut" (think big blue exercise ball but peanut-shaped) between my knees, to see if we could coax him down. I remember also that despite the fact that I had been repeatedly punchin my epidural button to increase the dosage, my contractions were getting really, really bad. It was this weird feeling of just intense pressure, like my hips were getting squeezed inward, but not the sharp cramping pain. The nurses said unfortunately the epidural couldn't help with that - it was normal this late in labor. I remember I absolutely dreaded each contraction! I needed Ryan by my side and absolutely no one distracting me as I focused hard and breathed through each one.
It was late in the evening, around 6pm, and our family members were milling around in our room now. They were all ready and excited because I was technically so close to being able to push. The day had just gone by so fast! It didn't feel like 13 hours of labor had gone by. At this point I asked Ryan and my dad to give me a blessing. I wanted to hear that I was going to be able to deliver Oliver myself, and soon. But it was simply a blessing of assurance and comfort and safety.
It was time for my final check. At 7:45, my OB and a couple nurses came in and he checked my progress and Ollie's position. The news wasn't good. I remember how my heart started to pound when he told us that Oliver hadn't budged from his high and face-up position, and that I was still stuck at around a 9+. Ollie's temperature, and mine, were getting progressively higher over the evening as well, and it had been about 14 hours since my water had broken. He told us we really didn't have any other option. I needed a C-section because of Ollie's failure to descend.
I think I asked for a little bit of time just to process the major surgery that was about to happen to me. Ryan had the idea for me to talk with Amy, his sister, who had ended up having all of her children via C-section. It did help to hear from her! She comforted me, told me I was awesome, and helped me get excited that we were meeting our baby so soon. I was really struggling with being okay with it all. Also I remember we had ordered dinner, and my food was literally sitting on the table in front of me and I realized I wasn't going to be able to eat it. Haha. So that was devastating! 😉
My doctor and the nurses came back, and I told them I was ready. We had to sign some papers, and then the whole team started moving at what seemed like 500% speed. The anesthesiologist came back to start putting the new medications into my epidural, and Ryan was given scrubs to put on. Before I knew it I was getting wheeled toward the operating room, staring at the bright lights going overhead, with Ryan walking alongside and holding my hand.
Oliver was born at 8:42 PM.
I woke up slowly back in my room, and eventually Ryan was at my side and telling me what I had missed while I had been unconscious. The birth had been chaotic. Oliver was not breathing for the first two minutes of his life because (it was later determined) he had fluid in his lungs. Through chest compressions they were able to keep his heart beating, but it began to get dangerously slow. They attempted to intubate him two times but they couldn't get it to take. They began to make the call to life-flight him to Primary Childrens' in Salt Lake, but seconds before, through some miracle, Oliver started breathing on his own. Dr. Knorr (the pediatrician on call, who I will always love) said that it was an extremely tense couple of minutes and that, in his opinion, the fact that our baby was alive and seemed unharmed was what he considered a miracle.
I remember that the significance of that was, for the most part, lost on me that night because I was extremely groggy. But in hindsight, it makes me cry every time I think about it. I am so grateful.
I then learned that Oliver (I keep saying his name but at this point he still didn't have a name 😉 ) was in the NICU. Ryan had gotten to see him, though, and both of our families had, too. He was alert and healthy, as far as the doctors could tell, but they wanted to keep him in the NICU for monitoring, probably for the night. I ached to see him. It felt so wrong to be separated. I also remember I had this urgent, urgent feeling that I wanted him to be able to nurse! I think I (in my totally drugged-up state) told the poor nurses this a million times, haha.
Twice during this period of waiting, Ryan came to my bed and told me about the names he liked. It felt like a dream, since the drugs were still wearing off, but I remember it. It surprised me because he had been pretty unenthusiastic about names during my pregnancy. First he came over to me and said, "I like Oliver and James," and then maybe an hour later he came over again and said, "I think I like the name Oliver." I had always loved that name, ever since I was a kid, but had avoided it a little because my sisters also claimed that was their favorite name and I wasn't allowed to use it. 😬 I guess that's one of the benefits of being the oldest! Plus, it Ryan's great-uncle's name as well. We decided on it the next morning, technically, since I guess Ryan wanted to make sure I wasn't under the influence of as many drugs when we made such a serious decision. 😜 Probably a good idea because I really couldn't keep myself awake for more than ten or fifteen minutes. But it was official - our son was named Oliver!
At some point my family came in to see us. They had taken pictures of my baby. They asked if I wanted to see the pictures, but I really didn't want to - in fact I remember the suggestion made me totally angry (I think the drugs really ballooned my emotions by like 600%, haha!). I wanted my first time seeing him to be in person. My mom had more details and came to my bed to tell me what had happened from their perspective. Apparently the pediatrician, Dr. Knorr, had been on his way to the hospital, since he had been alerted of my C-section, and was just walking up to the front doors when he got the call from the nurses saying Ollie wasn't breathing and they needed him NOW. My parents and Ryan's parents were in the waiting room and were startled to see this man fly past in a full-blown sprint past their room and down the hall toward the labor and delivery wing. That's when they started to worry, since they knew that Ollie was the only baby being born that night. After a few minutes my mom (and I think my brother?) went in to see what was going on. My doctor was just walking out then, and I think they said they saw me being wheeled back to my room. Dr. Clark told them what had happened, and they also got to talk with Dr. Knorr. Then they, and everyone else in the waiting room, got to go peek through the window at Ollie in his NICU bed. By then he was doing fine, but they were just monitoring him, taking x-rays, and waiting for his lab results for any infections.
Everything was so groggy for the rest of that night! I don't remember much. I can't remember the first time I heard his stats, but our baby was born at 8:42pm, and was 8 pounds 3 ounces, 21 inches long. I remember I was told that if they decided that Ollie should be kept in the NICU over night, in a couple hours I could get in a wheelchair and go see him through the window. I wanted to see him SO bad. It didn't seem like he had even been born yet. I almost didn't believe he was here, like it was a joke people were playing on me. I was sleepy and excited and nervous.
While we waited, my family was in and out of our room talking to me, and visiting Ollie in the NICU. I remember feeling like I was going in and out of sleep. I also remember my stomach felt so odd. It was just squishy, swollen, yet empty-feeling! I also remember when I started to be able to shift my body around, that incision was a bugger. OUCH. Moving was no bueno. And speaking of stomachs - OHH MY LANTA there is no pain in this world like when a nurse comes in and pushes on your stomach to make sure your uterus is shrinking down properly!!!! Oh. my. goodness. I will never forget how much that hurt!! I literally had to breathe through it like contractions, haha. It was ten times worse!
At some point the nurses took off my oxygen mask and told me that I would get some smaller tubes later that night. I remember I was so happy to get the dang mask off. I also was told I couldn't eat or drink because it takes awhile to get the control of your swallowing reflex after so much medication. I was so, so thirsty though that I begged to be able to have some water. My nurse consented and I remember that drinking was so terrifying! It seemed like an eternity between when I told my throat to swallow, and when it actually happened. It was so delayed and really weak. A couple of times I choked, which was pretty awful because not only was coughing hard in itself (I felt so weak and the reaction was so slow), but it also did a serious number on the pain in at my incision site. Ahh I still remember what an ordeal drinking was for that first 24 hours! Coughing hurt so bad!
By about 11:30pm, Ryan had gotten to hold Oliver, and was now crashed on the sofa bed. I didn't realize until later that my husband had had an extremely emotionally traumatic night, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. We had been awake for 17 hours. The events of 5:30 that morning seemed a century earlier!
After two hours, Oliver had gotten his lab results back and he was infection-free. They were satisfied enough with his condition that they said he could come be with us in our room. I finally got to hold my baby boy.
I got to meet our son at 12:45am. He was just the tiniest little burrito, bundled in his white, pink, and blue hospital blanket. He had an IV in his scalp in case they needed to give him any medicine in a hurry. I remember my first three impressions. First, he had serious hair! Lots of reddish-blond hair, and it was long. I for some reason expected our baby to be a total baldy. Not sure why, haha. Secondly, HE WAS A MINI RYAN. Like, my jaw almost hit the floor with how much he looked like his dad. It was amazing! And third, his feet were sooo long. Our nurses said he had some of the biggest feet they had ever seen! We had a tall boy on our hands. I can't remember how soon after that he got to nurse, but I do remember that starting then he latched great and was an easy eater.
And to finish it off, I've kept a list on my phone of random memories from the hospital that have come to me over the months since Oliver was born. I want to have them here on my blog. Really these are just for personal record so like... if you're still reading you totally don't have to continue...
Timeline of events:
Nov 17 : 1cm dilated, 90%
Nov 19 : due date
Nov 22 : 2cm dilated, 90%
Nov 26 : 5:30-ish water broke
6:57am 3cm dilated
8am 3+ so decided to continue without pitocin to see how progress, contractions 5 minutes apart
12pm still 3+ so I got the epidural and pitocin
12:38pm 5.5cm
1:28pm 6+ cm
2:30 9cm waiting for baby to drop
3:21 9.5cm
4:32 no progress
7:47 decided to do c-section
8:42 Oliver born
First week of November: https://youtu.be/c4kgYvUCUak
Second: https://youtu.be/CbqI9A3FMAs
Week of my due date: https://youtu.be/hUrRrZPgM8o
The week Ollie was born! https://youtu.be/tuXSqWJuJkg
The hospital and coming home: https://youtu.be/mugakzHFkWc
In the last few weeks before Ollie's due date, I had yet to feel any sort of Braxton-Hicks contractions or other signs of pending labor. I kind of just had a feeling and "knew" my baby would be late, and pretty much everyone and their mother had told me that "your first is usually late," but still I had so much hope that we'd have a baby by my due date of November 19th! As planned I stopped work the first week of November (cried all the way home. One of the suckiest choices I've ever had to make). My mom flew in a week before my due date and we kept as busy as possible. It was so great to have her here! We turned our junk-filled guest room into the nursery - a task I had been totally avoiding and also dreading with my limited mobility and ginormous tummy - made Baby Gray's blanket, shopped for his coming-home outfit, hit IKEA multiple times for the crib and other nursery decor, and went for loooots of walks.
A fabric option for Baby Gray's blanket.
We talked about the process of induction and how the chances for C-section were definitely there and something to be aware of, about 20%, because of arrested labor or failure to progress. I was really scared about that, mostly because I had this random weird dread that that was going to happen to me, and I really just didn't want a C-section. My birth plan wasn't super specific, but I knew I wanted to labor until I felt I wanted an epidural, have just Ryan in the room with me when it was time to push, and use delayed cord clamping. I definitely didn't want to have a major and expensive abdominal surgery, longer hospital stay, more difficult recovery, and everything else that came with a C-section. I left the doctor's office pretty down. I just really wanted this baby to come on his own.
Buying nursing garments with my mama and I had to snap a selfie in the mirror.
Oh man. I was huge!
Getting the nursery together.
Walking, walking, walking and doing tiny loads of tiny clothes.
At first baby Gray wasn't moving a ton so the nurse pulled out this little gun-looking thing and said, "Let's wake him up!" She pressed it to my tummy and it made a loud vibrating sound, but apparently to babies in utero it sounds like a fog horn. Our little guy basically tried to jump straight up into the air the second she did it - it was amazing! 😂 After that of course he was all sorts of active and after a half-hour of monitoring the nurse said his results looked fine.
My brother's birthday came on the 23rd! We were wondering if maybe our baby would share a birthday with Merritt, but spoiler alert, it didn't happen. We went out to dinner at PF Chang's and oh those lettuce wraps are just good good good for the soul. I remember as we got up to leave after dinner, I literally got stuck coming around the corner of the table and we all died laughing. I remember thinking how I was not going to miss that belly of mine!
On Thanksgiving we were with Ryan's family and it was a wonderful day! Pretty low-key with just a handful of us at Jen & Tyler's place. There was definitely a faint twinge of sadness because I had kind of hoped to have had a baby by then, but all along I had been mentally preparing for him being late, so - it was what it was! I remember my sister in law and niece gave us this adorable swaddle with dark blue and gold planets & stars on it. It's still one of my favorites. It's so pretty! I also remember that on this day the hospital called me and asked if I wanted to move up my induction date to that very next morning. Ahh! I told them I would think about it and call them back. Ryan and I talked. He was of course letting it be up to me, but he was all for getting things started as soon as possible. I ultimately decided nope. I wanted to give baby Gray as much time as needed. So I called them back and told them. They gave me some details about the induction for Saturday, like that it would be first thing in the morning (like 6am!) and what to do to prepare. Ryan and I were not stoked about a 6am start time, I remember. Haha!
Post-turkey happiness.
Friday was it. Our last full day before we had a baby! I don't remember what we did during the day. I think Ryan and I just wanted it to ourselves at home so my family did some things on their own until we met up for a movie that evening. The labor and delivery staff at our hospital called with final details for my induction and we were super relieved that my induction appointment wouldn't be until 9am. Yay for more sleep! 🙌 That night we met up with my family and saw Fantastic Beasts at the movie theater in the Riverwoods. Afterwards, we were talking about what we wanted to do, and I decided I really just wanted to go on a date with Ryan, just him and I. I felt bad ditching my family but I felt strongly about it since this was our last night as just us two. So Ryan and I decided to go to Art City Trolley, one of our favorite restaurants. We got in the car to head that way and Ryan asked me how I felt. I responded... by breaking. down. crying. 😂 Hahaha. Basically I was terrified of two things 1) Just having a baby in general, and 2) that things were going to change between Ryan and I. I guess I was mourning the end of this time that was just him and I, where we could go on dates on a whim, sleep in together, have total privacy in our apartment, go on road trips and vacations without much thought... I had a good cry/talk with Ryan and I felt a little bit better. We eventually started driving. Art City was delicious as always and my Hawaiian burger made me happy. Spending that time with Ryan will always be a happy memory for me.
Oof I feel like I look so puffy in these pictures! Ready. to. pop. Plus I had just cried for like fifteen minutes so... hahaha.
When we got home we hung out with my family at our place. I don't remember exactly what we did other than (try to) relax and chat and probably prep bags for the hospital. We went to bed around ten to give ourselves plenty of sleep for the next day.
I woke up in the dark to something that felt like painful period cramps that lasted for about ten seconds. I'm sure my face looked hilarious. My eyes were probably huge as I just laid there on my side facing the window and realized that had to have been a contraction. I hadn't felt anything like that during my pregnancy yet! It was the real deal! Before I knew it two more hit, and then, a rush of water! Uhh... I had read so many different explanations of what having your water break feels like, and it was unmistakable. Basically... I felt like I had wet mis pantalones. A lot! I probably hadn't moved that fast in at least a matter of months. I shot out of bed, and grabbed my phone to record what time it had happened. 5:20AM. Then I turned on the bedside lamp, stared at the sheets and my pants for a few seconds probably looking like a moron, and climbed over to shake Ryan. "Ryan! I think my water just broke!" He shot up onto his elbows and squinted at me. "What?! Really??!" I don't remember what I said to him but it was probably just idiotic, open-mouthed gesturing to the wet spot on the bed where my butt used to be. I was just so resigned to the fact I was going to be induced that morning, but Baby Gray was on his own schedule! I was so happy! I went into the bathroom to clean up and called my mom on speaker phone (my family was staying at my mom's cousin's house in Orem). She squealed when I told her. It was happening!! As soon as I got off the phone with my mom I called the labor & delivery ward at the hospital and let them know the situation. They told me to pack up and head there as soon as we could. There in the bathroom I downloaded an app to start tracking my contractions. And really all I could think about at that second was Michael Scott:
via GIPHY
My "contraptions" were about three minutes apart, each lasting around 25 seconds. It was go time! When I came out of the bathroom Ryan had already called his parents, who lived about 30 minutes away, and was already dressed and almost finished packing. While he ran out to warm up the car, I threw my toiletries into my hospital bag and grabbed last-minute things, while tracking my contractions. They were painful enough that I preferred to stop what I was doing until they passed, but I wasn't quite to the point where I needed to focus on breathing through them or anything. After a few minutes they did get to that point though, with all the moving around! I remember one particularly uncomfortable one made me stop and hang on the corner of the bed while Ryan grabbed my stuff. Then I waddled out to the car with Ryan and we were off to Mountain Point Medical Center in Lehi.
I think my mom actually took this when we were leaving the hospital but I want to remember everything. :)
During the drive the contractions actually slowed down to almost six minutes apart. We got to the hospital at 6:15am, and stopped at the ER desk (that was the only part of the main floor that was open) to let them know my water had broken. Since we had pre-registered, they checked me right in and called labor & delivery to let them know we were on our way up. They assigned us to a room, but we asked if we could get changed to room #237, which from our hospital tour a few weeks prior we knew had the best view of the mountains. 🙌 😉 Aw yeah you better believe I was gonna have that baby with a kick-butt view of the mountains out my window.
Then up the elevator we went and over to L&D. The nursing staff there is just THE BEST. It's fun to think back to the first time we walked in there and met them and how they would soon all become our friends! We were shown to our room and I got changed into the super attractive hospital gown they gave me. Ryan helped me get all settled on the bed (it was so surreal as I thought to myself "I am going to have a baby in this bed!!!") and I remember it was around 6:30am. The contractions were still more spaced out at this point, about five or six minutes apart. My first nurse Kilee came in and she was so wonderful! She was kind and cheerful and that helped me feel calm. She was a youngish mom with two kids herself. Ryan sat next to the bed while Kilee hooked me up to the monitors that would track Baby Gray's heartbeat as well as my blood oxygen and contractions. That's also when I got the IV in my hand which was theeee woooorst. Oh man I get the willies thinking about it. I have a serious needle phobia. And not only was it gross to have one right there, visible almost all the time, sticking out of my left hand, but it HURT. Both going in and afterwards. It took about half a day for me to just get used to the discomfort of it. Holy mama that was the most pain I had had yet. ;) And then we realized too late that the nurse had just assumed I was right handed and had forgotten to ask, so signing paperwork and doing other things was super awkward for me as lefty with a needle and tubes sticking out of my hand. Ha! Ugh I hated that dang IV and we were not friends from the very start!
At 8am my nurse came back in and checked me at 3+cm. Only a little bit of progress. That was disappointing, but it was still early on! We decided to wait a few more hours to see if I could progress more on my own.
Earlier on I had turned off my phone so that it wouldn't bother me if I was trying to rest or something, so Ryan was keeping family and friends posted on my progress. Side note - as I was collecting all the information from his texts in preparation to write this, I got to see some of the conversations he was having throughout the day that Ollie was born. It was so sweet to see how concerned and invested people were in us and Baby Gray. It made me so humbled and thankful. Our friends were constantly checking in throughout the day and telling Ryan to give me their encouragement and love.
For most of the day my parents were in the waiting room watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off (ha) and I think Ryan's parents at this point in the morning were at home but leaving soon. My parents came in to see us for the first time around 7:45am. Beforehand I had decided that I wanted to have my parents nearby and checking in when it was a good time, but have it be just Ryan and I when it was time to push. It was so wonderful to see my mom and dad! We gave them a blow-by-blow of the morning's events so far, while I sipped on the tiger's blood slurpees Ryan kept on constant refill for me. The contractions had steadied to about every 5 minutes and by 10am they were really getting painful. I remember the peaks of some of them were off the top of the charts on the computer monitors next to my bed.
The anesthesiologist was called and he arrived pretty soon after. (He was this awkward guy in his mid-thirties and I feel bad but Ryan and I giggled about him afterwards. I can't even remember what he did that was so funny to us! But... yeah. We are mean.) I sat on the edge of the bed while Mr Epidural did his stuff. According to Ryan the needle was huge 😳 but I was VERY careful to make sure I DID NOT see it or any of his equipment. Ew just writing this is making me icky. The only thing that hurt was the pinch, which I was lucky enough to experience twice! Yay! 😩 The anesthesiologist felt that the first positioning wasn't right and therefore had to re-do everything a second time. Didn't exactly do wonders for my confidence. But once everything was set - it. was. marvelous!!!! Oh my. No pain. And not just an absence of pain, but a total, full-body feeling of fabulous relaxation and sleepiness! I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, but I could still move my legs. It was very cool.
Then it was back to the waiting game. My mom came in again (as I was looking through my texts after the fact, I saw that I had texted her, "Hey mom, you can come in whenever you want. I just got my epidural and I feel soooooo good," hahaha. I don't remember sending it), and then Ryan's parents came by with food for him. I remember being so hungry and wishing I could have some of his sandwich. But I continued to down my slurpees. And I tried to nap a little, but it was tough with all the coming and going and excitement!
At 12:38pm my doctor checked me and I was at 5.5cm! Woo! Progress! And an hour later, even more! At 6+. However, Ollie hadn't budged at all downwards, and he was face-up (the opposite of what you want), but there was still time for that to change. All in all we were so stoked at the progress!
Once I was on the epidural the afternoon really became a blur. Haha. I think this is when Tyler & Jen (my brother-in-law & his wife) came to visit us, and they brought flowers. I will always remember that that meant so much to me! They were the prettiest tulips and I loved seeing them in our room. Thanks, guys.
At 2:30pm we got the best news. I was at 9cm! It was almost pushing time(!!!!!!!!!), if Oliver would just drop down more. He was stationed up so high, too high for me to start any sort of effective pushing, and he was still face-up. Definitely made me a little nervous, since this was making a C-section increasingly likely. I remember thinking "If only I didn't have this dang epidural I would walk all over this dang hospital and MAKE this baby drop." My OB came in and we talked about the possibility of C-section, but he knew I was determined to try everything we could first. So we waited. An hour later, I was at dilated a tiny bit more, to about 9.5cm, but still at the same high station. And the same at 4:30pm.
Man, it was getting reeeal discouraging here guys. The nurses helped me change positions - on my side, with and without "the peanut" (think big blue exercise ball but peanut-shaped) between my knees, to see if we could coax him down. I remember also that despite the fact that I had been repeatedly punchin my epidural button to increase the dosage, my contractions were getting really, really bad. It was this weird feeling of just intense pressure, like my hips were getting squeezed inward, but not the sharp cramping pain. The nurses said unfortunately the epidural couldn't help with that - it was normal this late in labor. I remember I absolutely dreaded each contraction! I needed Ryan by my side and absolutely no one distracting me as I focused hard and breathed through each one.
It was late in the evening, around 6pm, and our family members were milling around in our room now. They were all ready and excited because I was technically so close to being able to push. The day had just gone by so fast! It didn't feel like 13 hours of labor had gone by. At this point I asked Ryan and my dad to give me a blessing. I wanted to hear that I was going to be able to deliver Oliver myself, and soon. But it was simply a blessing of assurance and comfort and safety.
It was time for my final check. At 7:45, my OB and a couple nurses came in and he checked my progress and Ollie's position. The news wasn't good. I remember how my heart started to pound when he told us that Oliver hadn't budged from his high and face-up position, and that I was still stuck at around a 9+. Ollie's temperature, and mine, were getting progressively higher over the evening as well, and it had been about 14 hours since my water had broken. He told us we really didn't have any other option. I needed a C-section because of Ollie's failure to descend.
I think I asked for a little bit of time just to process the major surgery that was about to happen to me. Ryan had the idea for me to talk with Amy, his sister, who had ended up having all of her children via C-section. It did help to hear from her! She comforted me, told me I was awesome, and helped me get excited that we were meeting our baby so soon. I was really struggling with being okay with it all. Also I remember we had ordered dinner, and my food was literally sitting on the table in front of me and I realized I wasn't going to be able to eat it. Haha. So that was devastating! 😉
My doctor and the nurses came back, and I told them I was ready. We had to sign some papers, and then the whole team started moving at what seemed like 500% speed. The anesthesiologist came back to start putting the new medications into my epidural, and Ryan was given scrubs to put on. Before I knew it I was getting wheeled toward the operating room, staring at the bright lights going overhead, with Ryan walking alongside and holding my hand.
Oliver was born at 8:42 PM.
I woke up slowly back in my room, and eventually Ryan was at my side and telling me what I had missed while I had been unconscious. The birth had been chaotic. Oliver was not breathing for the first two minutes of his life because (it was later determined) he had fluid in his lungs. Through chest compressions they were able to keep his heart beating, but it began to get dangerously slow. They attempted to intubate him two times but they couldn't get it to take. They began to make the call to life-flight him to Primary Childrens' in Salt Lake, but seconds before, through some miracle, Oliver started breathing on his own. Dr. Knorr (the pediatrician on call, who I will always love) said that it was an extremely tense couple of minutes and that, in his opinion, the fact that our baby was alive and seemed unharmed was what he considered a miracle.
I remember that the significance of that was, for the most part, lost on me that night because I was extremely groggy. But in hindsight, it makes me cry every time I think about it. I am so grateful.
The first pictures ever of Oliver Luman Gray. My dad took these.
I then learned that Oliver (I keep saying his name but at this point he still didn't have a name 😉 ) was in the NICU. Ryan had gotten to see him, though, and both of our families had, too. He was alert and healthy, as far as the doctors could tell, but they wanted to keep him in the NICU for monitoring, probably for the night. I ached to see him. It felt so wrong to be separated. I also remember I had this urgent, urgent feeling that I wanted him to be able to nurse! I think I (in my totally drugged-up state) told the poor nurses this a million times, haha.
Twice during this period of waiting, Ryan came to my bed and told me about the names he liked. It felt like a dream, since the drugs were still wearing off, but I remember it. It surprised me because he had been pretty unenthusiastic about names during my pregnancy. First he came over to me and said, "I like Oliver and James," and then maybe an hour later he came over again and said, "I think I like the name Oliver." I had always loved that name, ever since I was a kid, but had avoided it a little because my sisters also claimed that was their favorite name and I wasn't allowed to use it. 😬 I guess that's one of the benefits of being the oldest! Plus, it Ryan's great-uncle's name as well. We decided on it the next morning, technically, since I guess Ryan wanted to make sure I wasn't under the influence of as many drugs when we made such a serious decision. 😜 Probably a good idea because I really couldn't keep myself awake for more than ten or fifteen minutes. But it was official - our son was named Oliver!
At some point my family came in to see us. They had taken pictures of my baby. They asked if I wanted to see the pictures, but I really didn't want to - in fact I remember the suggestion made me totally angry (I think the drugs really ballooned my emotions by like 600%, haha!). I wanted my first time seeing him to be in person. My mom had more details and came to my bed to tell me what had happened from their perspective. Apparently the pediatrician, Dr. Knorr, had been on his way to the hospital, since he had been alerted of my C-section, and was just walking up to the front doors when he got the call from the nurses saying Ollie wasn't breathing and they needed him NOW. My parents and Ryan's parents were in the waiting room and were startled to see this man fly past in a full-blown sprint past their room and down the hall toward the labor and delivery wing. That's when they started to worry, since they knew that Ollie was the only baby being born that night. After a few minutes my mom (and I think my brother?) went in to see what was going on. My doctor was just walking out then, and I think they said they saw me being wheeled back to my room. Dr. Clark told them what had happened, and they also got to talk with Dr. Knorr. Then they, and everyone else in the waiting room, got to go peek through the window at Ollie in his NICU bed. By then he was doing fine, but they were just monitoring him, taking x-rays, and waiting for his lab results for any infections.
Everything was so groggy for the rest of that night! I don't remember much. I can't remember the first time I heard his stats, but our baby was born at 8:42pm, and was 8 pounds 3 ounces, 21 inches long. I remember I was told that if they decided that Ollie should be kept in the NICU over night, in a couple hours I could get in a wheelchair and go see him through the window. I wanted to see him SO bad. It didn't seem like he had even been born yet. I almost didn't believe he was here, like it was a joke people were playing on me. I was sleepy and excited and nervous.
While we waited, my family was in and out of our room talking to me, and visiting Ollie in the NICU. I remember feeling like I was going in and out of sleep. I also remember my stomach felt so odd. It was just squishy, swollen, yet empty-feeling! I also remember when I started to be able to shift my body around, that incision was a bugger. OUCH. Moving was no bueno. And speaking of stomachs - OHH MY LANTA there is no pain in this world like when a nurse comes in and pushes on your stomach to make sure your uterus is shrinking down properly!!!! Oh. my. goodness. I will never forget how much that hurt!! I literally had to breathe through it like contractions, haha. It was ten times worse!
At some point the nurses took off my oxygen mask and told me that I would get some smaller tubes later that night. I remember I was so happy to get the dang mask off. I also was told I couldn't eat or drink because it takes awhile to get the control of your swallowing reflex after so much medication. I was so, so thirsty though that I begged to be able to have some water. My nurse consented and I remember that drinking was so terrifying! It seemed like an eternity between when I told my throat to swallow, and when it actually happened. It was so delayed and really weak. A couple of times I choked, which was pretty awful because not only was coughing hard in itself (I felt so weak and the reaction was so slow), but it also did a serious number on the pain in at my incision site. Ahh I still remember what an ordeal drinking was for that first 24 hours! Coughing hurt so bad!
By about 11:30pm, Ryan had gotten to hold Oliver, and was now crashed on the sofa bed. I didn't realize until later that my husband had had an extremely emotionally traumatic night, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. We had been awake for 17 hours. The events of 5:30 that morning seemed a century earlier!
After two hours, Oliver had gotten his lab results back and he was infection-free. They were satisfied enough with his condition that they said he could come be with us in our room. I finally got to hold my baby boy.
😂 Sooo drugged. ^^^
My mom and my siblings. ^^
I got to meet our son at 12:45am. He was just the tiniest little burrito, bundled in his white, pink, and blue hospital blanket. He had an IV in his scalp in case they needed to give him any medicine in a hurry. I remember my first three impressions. First, he had serious hair! Lots of reddish-blond hair, and it was long. I for some reason expected our baby to be a total baldy. Not sure why, haha. Secondly, HE WAS A MINI RYAN. Like, my jaw almost hit the floor with how much he looked like his dad. It was amazing! And third, his feet were sooo long. Our nurses said he had some of the biggest feet they had ever seen! We had a tall boy on our hands. I can't remember how soon after that he got to nurse, but I do remember that starting then he latched great and was an easy eater.
And that's how Oliver came into the world!
We stayed in the hospital for three nights. I actually really enjoyed
being in there, haha. I wasn't in a huge rush to leave.
Our first family pictures (once I had gotten to shower on day three, haha).
We were so well taken care of. The nursing staff were angels straight from heaven! And the pediatricians that came to see Oliver were so great. I kept Oliver in my bed during the day with me as much as I could for lots of cuddles, because I just craved that bonding and I wanted to make up for lost time. Our families visited us every day and that was so wonderful.
I had to spend most of my time in bed because of my incision, but I was thankful for the loving but firm nurses who got me on my feet soon and encouraged me to get walking, even though my lower tummy just hurt so bad.
It took us a couple days to decide his middle name, but we eventually went with Luman, after my third-great-grandfather Luman Andros Shurtliff, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and a pioneer whose journal has had a personal impact on me during my life. We wanted it to be a family name, and I'm excited to share with Ollie the stories of his ancestor!
And to finish it off, I've kept a list on my phone of random memories from the hospital that have come to me over the months since Oliver was born. I want to have them here on my blog. Really these are just for personal record so like... if you're still reading you totally don't have to continue...
- This isn't from the hospital, but I remember we watched a movie with my family in our apartment a couple days before I had Ollie. I was SO uncomfortable. By that point sitting was just the worst! My lower back hurt, something was digging into my ribs and pressing on my lungs, my hips felt like I was actually 90 years old... oy! I remember I tried every position I could think of on both the couch and the floor and I just was ready to be done!
- I spent so much time in that dang hospital bed, in similar positions all day and not able to move much because of the incision and the pain, and all my weight was on my tailbone. My tailbone hated me! My butt hurt so bad! Haha. Man I do not miss that.
- Lots of walking the halls, pushin my babe in his little cart haha. :) Walking was supposed to be really good for C-section recovery so we did lots of laps! Slow, slowww laps. 😉
- I distinctly remember thinking how strong Ollie was. He was so tiny and helpless, but at the same time so strong and aware. It's weird how specific that feeling was for me, but I just remember holding him and thinking, "Man, you are so strong," and I meant it physically and I don't know... spiritually? It's a hard impression to explain. I also remember he was always so determined to hold his head up while he was being burped.
- The first night was rough. I felt so overwhelmed and was still reeling a bit from the events of the day. I remember just aching that I still hadn't been able to have a long skin-to-skin with my baby. So following one of his night feedings, I kept him with me in my bed and put him on my chest. He laid there so contentedly, so warm and so tiny with his head laying on my chest, and really truly everything felt right in the world. We both were in and out of sleep until his next nursing, so it was several hours. And it was so perfect and so needed for me. I felt like his mama for real! It was a feeling I hadn't really gotten to savor or even really feel yet. I will never forget that.
- Two words, my friends: engorgement. sucks.
- I thiiink this was the morning after Oliver was born. A new nurse came in for her shift with us. She was so nice and happy, and had a German accent. She wrote her name, Beate, on our whiteboard, and then it hit me. I knew who she was! Creepily, it was only from Facebook, but I asked her if she wouldn't mind telling me what her last name was. It was Evans, and then I told her that Ryan and I knew her son Trevor from our YSA ward at BYU. Haha! It was such a wonderful coincidence, or maybe even more than that. She became my favorite nurse and I considered her my hospital mom. Beate was the best. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her.
Our little family and Beate!
- Oliver was a grunter! Nobody told me newborns are so loud. 😉 And I woke up to every single sound he made because hellooo first time mama paranoia! Haha. I remember thinking, How is it physically possible for such a small human to make such loud noises?! Are you okay??!
Ollie always hung out on the right side of my bed. :)
- Oh my. The food at Mountain Point MC is heaven. Grilled cheese, tomato soup, turkey wraps, cheesecake... And hi best chicken ceasar salad ever! (It's all about those croutons. Probably ordered that three times).
- I used my usual shower body wash at the hospital, but when I got home the scent of it reminded me so much of the hospital (for some reason not in a good way) that I went out and bought different body wash. Haha! So weird. But I can't stand that smell anymore!
- The nursing staff are incredible. I still remember how worried I was for the night time feedings, but they came to our room whenever I pushed the button and needed help, or had a dumb question, even at 3:30 in the morning. They were cheerful and compassionate in a time where I was so happy but so overwhelmed. They. are. angels.
- Visitors! Oh my goodness we have the best family and friends. Jordan & Aubrie Zornes braved snowpocalypse to come visit us and it was so, so awesome to see them! They gave us such great advice and reassurance and love!!! We love you guys!!! My uncle and his family also came to see us. It was the best. They passed Ollie around and we laughed and talked and ate the amaaazing sugar cookies they brought us from Smart Cookie. Those things gave me LIFE. Evidence of normal life outside of the hospital. ;) So good!
- Hello free foot rubs! There was a masseuse walking around two of the days we were there. It was the best, best, best!
- One night Ryan and I decided to watch a movie before bed. We started up Jurassic World but I don't think we finished it. Oliver started to fuss (in hindsight it probably wasn't that bad at all), but as new parents we were like AHHH!!!! and I was like Oh my gosh nooo this is my life now I can't even watch a movie with my husband. Hahaha. We were noobs.
- Ollie loved to have his little mittened hands up near and in his mouth. So much that he got a little rash on his chin, teehee.
Squish-face ^^
I took this picture because I loved the way he had his little mittened hands together so sweetly while he nursed. 💕
- From the day he was born, Ollie was hungry every four hours on the dot. I loved how he would start to munch on his hands when he was hungry. He'd shake his little head back and forth and shove those hands in. It was so cute.
Very determined to stuff those hands in.
- The weather while we were in the hospital was insane! There were at least three massive snowstorms during our four days in the hospital. It was nice to watch the snow from inside our cozy room while cuddling our new babe.
- My blood oxygen levels kept dipping during the night and the alarm on the instrument would go off, waking both of us up. It would seriously happen every fifteen minutes! Hahaha, Ryan and I got so frustrated. We kept calling the nurses in to see if we could fix it, and finally they just determined it was simply because of my low resting heart rate, and they set the minimum limit down lower. I was ready to throw that thing out the window.
- Leaving the hospital with Ollie. Oh man. So many feelings! But I was ready. Dressing Oliver in his going-home outfit while my parents and Ryan watched was just the best. And I almost split my stitches laughing at how funny Ollie looked in his carseat. He wanted so badly to put his hands in his mouth, but he couldn't, so they were just stuck at 90-degree angles, little fists sticking straight out in the air. His facial expression was just bored resignation to this new reality of not being able to use his hands. All buckled in with all the infant inserts between his legs and on his shoulders, he looked ready to blast off into space! And his little cheeks were all pushed up by the shoulder pads, too. I was dying for like ten minutes. He looked so darn cute.
Dressed in his going-home outfit that I bought with my mom. And his poor bright red chin!
- When we got out, our car battery was dead! Haha! So Dad and Ryan had to go jumpstart it while Mom and I sat in the lobby with Oliver. It was SO COLD that night!
- When we got home, my parents (mostly my amazing mom) had cleaned our apartment from top to bottom and even put up some decorations from my baby showers. Ollie's room had that "Welcome baby" banner for months afterwards. I loved it. And we were totally surprised to see that my dad had put Christmas lights up around our front door! It meant so much to me. I had barely thought about Christmas, and those twinkly lights greeting us every night reassured me that it was still happening. 😊
Timeline of events:
Nov 17 : 1cm dilated, 90%
Nov 19 : due date
Nov 22 : 2cm dilated, 90%
Nov 26 : 5:30-ish water broke
6:57am 3cm dilated
8am 3+ so decided to continue without pitocin to see how progress, contractions 5 minutes apart
12pm still 3+ so I got the epidural and pitocin
12:38pm 5.5cm
1:28pm 6+ cm
2:30 9cm waiting for baby to drop
3:21 9.5cm
4:32 no progress
7:47 decided to do c-section
8:42 Oliver born
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