On post-C-section emotions and PPD

     I had Oliver's full birth story up here for awhile. It was an incredible day but in the end, I felt like it was a little intense for my public blog. So I took it down and put the *G-ish rated version* here.
     A serious turning point for me in my mental recovery came from reading an acquaintance's blog (like she was my college roommate's friend and I probably only talked to her six times in my life and that was years ago) about her struggle with postpartum depression. I realized I was not alone and her words explained perfectly what I was feeling. It was like an enormous 100-pound backpack I didn't even know I was carrying was lifted off my back. So I want to at least put a small amount of what was in that blog entry on here so that, if I can, I can help some mama who is feeling these awful things.
     I want to make sure that anyone who reads Ollie's birth story or this post who is feeling the immense guilt from lack of attachment that often comes from a traumatic birth, knows that I KNOW what that is like so PLEASE comment here or email me (see my "About Us" tab up top)! I want you to talk to me. You are not the only person in the world feeling these things; it is so, so common. I had an unplanned C-section that went rather traumatically for me, and I had a very hard time feeling emotionally connected to Oliver from the first time I got to hold him. I was separated from him for hours after waking up from the procedure (he was born not breathing and spent the evening in the NICU). In the weeks following our discharge from the hospital I had bouts of anger and blame, I felt like he wasn't my baby and I didn't know him, sometimes I wanted him to just be taken far away by anyone who would, I felt overwhelming anxiety and edginess whenever I saw or was with him, I totally shut down and lost my appetite when evening and the isolating night feedings were approaching, and I felt *this* close to crying almost all the time. I felt so much guilt, embarrassment, and loneliness knowing that this helpless baby had come to a mother who didn't even like him or feel like she wanted to. If any of this sounds like what you're feeling, seriously - talk and get help.
     For me, it got better with time. Probably three or four months. Maybe counseling would have sped the process up, but I didn't seek that help. I didn't talk to anyone. Not even family or my husband because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I absolutely should have reached out! I now feel SO strongly about reaching out and connecting regarding this thing that for some reason we want to hide away and not talk openly about. PLEASE TALK TO ME EVEN IF YOURE A STRANGER. I LOVE YOU AND WE WILL BE BFFS. I don't want anyone to feel alone while feeling the way I felt.
     Flash forward to now, and seriously I cannot even explain how much I love my Oliver and love the relationship we have. I need him and love him and he needs and loves me. He is my BEST little friend in the WORLD. IT IS AMAZING and fulfilling and wonderful. I look forward to my next child, and I know so much more now about how to have a voice in my birth experience. There is hope!!

#endrant